The power of listening – The secret ingredient of effective communication.

Name one highly sought-after skill that has gained much attention in the job market today. It is nothing other than Communication skills!!! The skill has become an inevitable part of all Job Descriptions nowadays! When we talk about communication skills, we often focus on how effectively we speak, basically about language skills. But I believe effective communication depends more on another aspect – Listening!! The true power of listening – we often overlook.

Let me stress the point – I meant listening here, not hearing. There is a big difference between those two, and never use one term for the other.

A few weeks back, I watched a ted talk by the famous negotiation expert William Ury. In that talk, he mentioned that many people believe negotiation is about talking, but successful negotiations are more about listening than talking, based on his experience. 

The true power of communication lies in its ability to be two-way. That is, not only to send a message but also to receive and understand one. And this is where listening comes in. It’s not just about hearing the other person. It is about understanding them. It’s about grasping what they’re saying and deciphering the underlying message. And if you think this matters only in the case of high-level talks like negotiations or business talks, absolutely not. The power of listening is important even when you talk to your toddler!

Wherever two humans interact, listening is of utmost importance for the reasons mentioned below: 

• Effective talking requires effective listening – You will be familiar with this scenario where we frame all our arguments/thoughts in our brains and what to revert when the other person stops talking, right? Here, I am not talking about that ‘hearing.’ Listening is understanding what the other person is trying to communicate by grasping the underlying meaning and emotions. That will help you to understand the person better. Such understanding makes your replies epic and impactful!! 

• If you want to know the unsaid words/emotions – People leave many things unsaid than said more often. That is especially true when we communicate with people close to our hearts. We say “am fine” when we are not feeling good or “it is nothing” when it is paining inside. Behind every anger we see most of the time, there will be a hidden pain or unhealed wound. When we ‘hear’ them, we feel the outrage, but when we ‘listen’ to them, we feel the pain. 

• You make the other person loved and cared for – Do you know what you can give as the best gift for someone? It is your undivided attention and the time associated with that. Listening calls for that kind of attention. So, in other words, intense deep listening is a gift in itself! I feel being neglected or not heard by the other person when you are talking is the biggest insult you can have in a conversation. Many people, when experiencing this insult multiple times, will finally draw back from making conversations. The lack of the above gift is the main reason many relationships end. So if you want your loved ones in your life forever, learn listening 🙂

• Listening is healing – Have you ever wanted in life to heal someone? Heal them from their sorrow, pain, anger, and depression? If you want, then the most powerful tool is to LISTEN. Just listen to them with your whole heart. Don’t Judge, don’t argue. You don’t even have to give advice. Just listen.

Let me tell you one example to understand this. One day, my son was so sad and upset after a fight with his sister over a toy. He was crying uncontrollably. I tried to console him by telling him every reason possible, but he was not planning to stop yelling. Suddenly I stopped talking to him and held him close to me. I responded with a “hmmm” when he poured all his anger and pain about not getting the toy. Hardly some 2 or 3 minutes went by. He settled down and said, “let me get my car to play.” That is the healing power of listening. People start to heal when they feel they are heard. The power of listening in healing is more potent than you think.

Why is it hard to practise Listening?

Now I have a question. If listening has these many great benefits, why are we all not good at it? Why do only a few excel as good listeners? 

That is because it is not easy as it looks!!! 

To become good listeners, we need some specific characteristics in our nature. Unfortunately, these magical traits are not inborn characteristics most of the time. Acquiring that requires a lot of practice and discipline. A rare few get that right!!! 

Want to know why it is so difficult to acquire? Read below, and you will get to know them.

• Give up your demand to be ‘right’ always! – Tough one, right? Most of the time, we try to ‘hear’ itself is to prove we are right and not the other person. So with that attitude, how can we listen deep? If you genuinely want to listen to a person and understand their emotions and thought process, you need to give up on the habit of always being right. When you don’t feel the urge to be correct, it opens new doors of conversation, and people will feel more comfortable conversing with you. Because they know you don’t confront them for what they have to say.

• You should be ready to be a learner – Another tough one, especially the toughness increases with age. Why this one? Because when we talk to people, we will face new concepts, ideas, or viewpoints that may be opposite to ours. When you hear them, more often, the conversions end in arguments because you are not ready to accept theirs. But when you listen to them, you will understand where their viewpoint is coming from, and you may learn a new lesson there. 

• You should never take people for granted – Have you ever noticed how attentively you listen to your boss and how careless you are when listening to your spouse or kids sometimes?? Why so? It is because we consider the boss as a person not to take for granted. There is an element of risk when we don’t listen to him properly. But that risk factor is not there with family because we feel they will adjust or get used to your behaviour. They may get along with your behaviour, but the neglect in conversations brings a gap between hearts. So never do that.

• You should be able to control your urge to speak only about yourself (the most important one!!!) – When talking to some people, they make me feel, why am I there in that spot? Because for them, the conversation is all about themselves. They literally wait for me to complete it so that they can continue telling me about them. And it makes me feel whatsoever I said had not added any value there. Balanced conversations are the best ones. Everyone gets their turn to talk, and the rest of the group values other person’s comments.

If you look at the 4 points above, all that turns out to be blockers of effective communication when you can’t practice them. That is why it is crucial to acquire the above qualities to become a good listener. After all, we have two ears and one mouth for a reason!!

And do you know one thing? Being a good listener is such an attractive quality you can possess. It makes you a more approachable, reliable person, and of course, who wants to miss the opportunity to be around such a person, right? Hard to find nowadays!!! So use the power of listening to widen your network.

Its is not always the words…

Before winding up, I would like to add one small point. Throughout this post, I have been mentioning listening to words. 

But…

Never forget to listen to the silence of your loved ones also. When they don’t feel like talking, understand their silence and be there for them. If listening to words requires practice, then listening to silence requires double the effort. Just be there for your loved ones when they prefer not to talk, like the piglet who stood with Pooh on his tough day…

Whether it is words or silence, never ever miss the chance to use the power of listening!!!

See you all soon in my next post until then stay safe and happy…